What to say when your girlfriend had a bad day

When she's had a bad day and gone quiet, ask a small, specific question in place of a big open one, then let her talk at her own pace. Skip the fixes, take a job off her hands and keep the evening easy.

What's actually going on

She gets home at seven, later than usual. Coat on the hook, shoes kicked off, straight to the sofa. You ask, "How was your day?" She shrugs. "Fine." And that's the end of it.

When someone is flat, open questions get closed answers. "How was your day?" asks her to sum up nine hours, pick out what mattered and decide how much to share. That takes effort, and she's out of it. "Fine" is the cheapest answer going. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to talk. Often it means she doesn't know where to start.

A bad day also tends to follow people home. The packed train home, then the queue at the shop. By the time she's through the door, whatever happened at ten this morning has had nine hours to grow.

Some people want to go through a bad day straight away. Some need an hour of nothing first. Some would rather tell you tomorrow over breakfast. You'll learn which she is by watching, more than by asking.

What not to say

Asking "How was your day?" once is fine. The trouble starts after the shrug, when "Come on, what happened?" turns into "Why are you being so quiet?" Pushing makes talking feel like a demand. Answering her silence with "Well, my day was rubbish too" turns it into a contest, and now she's weighing her day against yours.

Jumping to a fix before you know what happened is the other trap. "You need a new job" or "just stop answering her emails after six" tells her you'd rather solve it than hear it. Asking "Are you okay?" every twenty minutes is a gentler version of the same pushing, and by the fourth time she's managing your worry as well as her day. If she doesn't want to talk yet, that isn't about you, so try not to go quiet and offended on her either.

What to say instead

Ask a smaller question, one with an obvious place to start:

"Worst bit of today: go."

It's quick and a bit playful, and it hands her one thing to talk about instead of the whole day. Most people can name the worst bit in a second, and the rest tends to follow. Sit down next to her before you ask, rather than calling it through from the kitchen. If playful feels wrong for the mood, a quieter version is "Who annoyed you most today?", which still gives her a single place to begin.

If she says "not now", take it at face value. "Okay. I'm around later." Then go and do something nearby, where she can find you.

What to do

When she does start talking, listen properly. Put the phone down and look at her. Ask one follow-up about what she just said, instead of changing the subject.

Then take something off her plate. A bad day leaves people with nothing spare for the dull jobs, so get to them before she has to think about them. Make dinner or order it, and hang out the washing that's been sitting in the machine since this morning.

You don't need to cheer her up. Trying to make her laugh too soon can feel like you want the bad mood gone for your own sake. Sit with her and watch something easy.

The next day, ask how the thing turned out. "Did your boss ever reply about the deadline?" That one question tells her you remembered, and it often means more than anything you said the night before.

When it's more than normal

Look at how long the flatness lasts. One rough Tuesday passes. A run of them stretching into weeks, a low mood that doesn't lift at weekends, or her losing interest in things she normally loves is bigger than a bad day. If you see that, mention it once, kindly, on a calm day, and keep the door open for her to talk when she's ready. If it goes on, encourage her to talk to someone she trusts, whether that's you, a close friend or her mum.