How to help your girlfriend with period cramps

Believe her the first time she says it hurts, and bring what helps without making her ask twice. A heat pack, whatever she usually takes, a big glass of water and a quiet evening will do more than any advice about stretching.

What's actually going on

She says "my back is killing me again" from the sofa, and the word that catches you is "again". It hurt last month too. Maybe the month before. So part of your brain starts hunting for a fix, because a problem that keeps coming back feels like it ought to have a solution.

She's telling you it hurts. That's the whole message, and it's enough to act on.

Period pain is often more than cramps low in the stomach. Many people get an ache in the lower back, down the tops of the legs, or a heavy dragging feeling that makes a day at a desk miserable. For many people it comes and goes over the first days, and for plenty it follows no pattern at all. Cycles vary a lot between people, and even for one person from month to month. Any guess you make about where she is in hers is only a guess, so take her word over your calendar.

Pain that comes back every month also wears people down. By the third or fourth time she's tired of it and tired of mentioning it, which means that when she does bring it up, it's probably already bad.

What not to say

The tempting reply is advice that sounds helpful. "You should stretch more." "Have you tried yoga?" "Maybe cut back on coffee." You mean well. What she hears is that the pain is partly her fault, and that she now has homework on top of hurting.

A few others land badly too:

• "Again?" (it sounds like you're keeping score)
• "Is it really that bad?" (it asks her to prove it)
• "You were fine an hour ago." (pain comes in waves, and she knows that better than you)

Comparing it to your own back after a heavy session at the gym is another one to leave out, since she'll end up spending energy explaining the difference when she'd rather be lying down.

What to say instead

Offer two concrete choices so she only has to pick one:

"Want the heat pack or the painkillers first?"

It skips the question of whether she's really in pain and goes straight to what you're going to do about it. It also assumes you're staying, which matters more than the exact words. If she's already taken something, swap the second half and ask "Hot water bottle or a cup of tea?" instead. Keep it short either way, because when someone is in pain, long questions are work.

What to do

Bring the heat pack and whatever she usually takes, and put them within reach without a fuss. Then sit down with her.

Small things that help on a bad evening:

• Warm the wheat bag or fill the hot water bottle before she asks.
• Leave a glass of water on the side table and top it up.
• Take over anything that needs bending or standing, like emptying the dishwasher or cooking.
• Put on something she likes and hand her the remote.

Learn what she reaches for. Some people swear by a hot bath, others want to lie flat on the floor with their knees up. If you pay attention this month, you'll know by the next one, and you can have it ready before she's even asked.

If you've got plans on a day she's hurting, offer to move them before she has to. "Shall we push dinner with Sam to next week?" takes the pressure off straight away, and it means she isn't the one who has to cancel.

When it's more than normal

Keep an eye on how much the pain is costing her. If it stops her going to work or doing ordinary things, if the bleeding is much heavier than usual for her, or if her symptoms suddenly change from what she's used to, those are worth her talking to a doctor about. You don't need to diagnose anything, and you shouldn't try. You can say something like "That sounds worse than last time. Would it be worth getting it checked?" and leave the decision with her. If she wants company at the appointment, go with her.